angst, rufus, and the college kid

dorm nights back in college were emotion-laden ones. if you were my room mate then, you'd probably have accustomed yourself.. er familiarized.. nope scratch that--mastered songs by jewel, sarah mc lachlan, tori amos, and fiona apple. call 'em my four muses of inspiration. but when i entered my angst phase, rufus wainwright took center stage; driving the other four to back-up-vocals status. this obsessession that started in college took me to scouring the net not just for songs appearing in studio-produced albums, but all the more for those hard-to-find b-sides and rare recordings. over time, the obsession slowly turned into something more clinical in nature; as my mp3 collection grew, came the flood of wallpapers, pictures and recorded interviews, too. hehehe. needless to say, this fan boy stage had me on prolonged emo status! the period extending up to the time when i was workin already, finds my ear plugged to my mp3s--traveling in trains or in buses bound for the countryside--mouthing rufus lyrics, eyes close to tears! wainright's brand of music, though largely tin pan alleyesque with orchestra/big band projections toward his later album outings, is on the core, a big treatise on heartbreak and loneliness. cue in smoke-filled jazz room scenes of the 30s and 4os. welcome to my world! hehehe.

well that world is long gone now; years, indeed have ways of changing a person--for the good or the worse, well, only time will tell. suffice it to say that gentle outgrew rufus, and with that, heartbreak and loneliness. :) but memories (and music long forgotten) have ways of reestablishing themselves, i guess. i remember making that cd filled with rufus mp3s about three years ago, and giving it to someone--symbolic of the fact that i was then ready to let go of all the pain and the hurt. retiring for the night after a very long day, i heard it play. softly at first, then slowly building up to that characteristic swell of rufus emotions. he was singing "the money song". funny. how things sound differently now. where rufus sounded skeptical and questioning then, as with the line "my love... if your heart was made of gold, would i pluck it out and melt it down; be an american and weld the crown?", it just made perfect sense to me now that the character in this song is taking affirmative action to keep his beloved for good. hehehe. call it paradigm shift. or delusion. whatever. all i can say is, when rufus uttered the line "and you will believe in love" on the next track (april fools), i couldn't help but smile and go for pen and paper, to write a poem to cap the night. :)

image link : http://www.starpulse.com/Music/Wainwright,_Rufus/gallery/Rufus-Wainwright-u13/